So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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