got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
