An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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