The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
