Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
