White coat. Heels.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Randomize
