I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
