I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Come share oat with me in your robe
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
