You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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