my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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