***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize