Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
