My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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