Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
i think i just lost a toe
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
