I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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