just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
