hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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