My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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