I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
