Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
