I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
