There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
