His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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