Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
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