Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
