MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
