my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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