I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
