New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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