how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the condom got lost in my hair
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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