forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
