The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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