Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
please come you make the beer taste better
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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