You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize