I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
As shirtless as possible
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
