You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Randomize
