I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
