Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize