I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
