I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Enjoy the penises
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
