Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
