i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
