Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
