Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
