God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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