Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
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