Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You may now shotgun with the bride
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
