Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
