Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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