I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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