woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
