i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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