I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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