Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
