They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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