im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
We have so much sex to catch up on
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
