My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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