Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
