Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
