Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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